here's to a new year...

My last blog of 2011. I can't remember what I did for New Years Eve last year, which leads me to believe that I did nothing. That is neither sad nor surprising, as I am not a fan of going out and getting drunk on New Years Eve, risking my life because some lunatic decides to drive drunk, and then waking up with a hangover on the first day of the New Year. No thanks.

This year I found myself at the hospital on the evening of December 31, getting an MRI. I don't think I want to talk about that though.

2011- Top 5 (in no particular order)

• I got out of retail, and became a full time yoga teacher.
  
• I traveled to San Diego and Los Angeles for the first time in 3 years. My soul loved it.
• My mom and dad came to visit me in Oregon.
• My yoga practice grew. A lot.
• I purchased my first computer.
  

I believe that I may look back one day and see my injury as one of the best things to ever happen to me. Right now, it is too close and I'm not able to see it as anything other than heartbreaking. That's right, my injury broke my heart. If that sounds silly to you, you are obviously not a person with a penchant for snowboarding, hiking and yoga. To have my top three favorite things ripped from my life because of one careless decision was without a doubt the hardest thing I've had to face in 2011. I can still do yoga, in fact I'd say since the injury my practice has even blossomed, however my practice is different. Hiking is nearly out of the question, and snowboarding is absolutely out of the question.

I don't like talking about this. But sometimes I need to. I ask myself every day, 'What is the purpose of this? Why did this happen to me? Will it ever get fixed?' Sometimes I need to sit and think long and hard about it.

Here's to 2012. Good things are coming my way, I can feel it.

julia's art opening

When I see this photo, I think: Why do I ever leave the house without straightening my hair first? Sometimes I feel lazy and decide that it looks fine natural, and then I see a photo and think otherwise. People always tell me it's cute, but my personal opinion is that it looks terrible. Also when I see think photo, I think: blue tights!

wine

I'm just a girl trying to figure some shit out. I don't even know what to write. I'm inspired by the new Florence and the Machine album. Did she write that for me? I'm inclined to think so. I'm in a period of transition. What does that mean? I don't know! Ask me again this time next year and see where I am.

I had a phone conversation this evening with a friend who is having a hard time. Said friend needs a change, and oh does that ring a bell in my soul. This friend wants to move to Portland and live on my couch for a little while. My heart spilled open for this friend, whom I love very much. Do I want someone living on my couch for a month? Not really. But do I know in my heart and soul what it feels like to so desperately long for change? I do. If I had a friend in San Diego that offered me their couch while I looked for work, I have no doubts that I would have been there a long time ago.

Teacher training in La Jolla would be a dream come true. Eight months of hard work, and pure bliss. My free spirit says 'go forth, little yogi', while my bank account says, 'what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuu--??'. Just two days ago, someone told me that I was blessed to be so in touch with my soul. Well, it's a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it. Green paper is just another form of energy, this person said. Yes, but you need it! How can I find a way around this? I'm thinking....

wednesday

Wow. I have so much to write. So much to say, while it's still fresh in my heart. Here's the abbreviated version- I'll write more when I have more time.

I got home from a five day trip to San Diego yesterday. The trip to San Diego ended up also turning into a trip to Los Angeles (I love spontaneity). We were all over the place. The trip was productive and also tons of fun. I met some wonderful new people. Genuine souls. I am a wanderer. Need to wander. I will wander soon.

To be continued...

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back-
So shake him off"

my trip in pictures

del mar

welcome to san diego.

view from michele's condo in la jolla

view from aubrey's house in del mar

la jolla cove

jennifer and me on a la jolla hike

michele and me
our cute little hotel



cody's in la jolla. these were on every table.

piatta in la jolla

more from piatta. fun night. delicious food.

where are the people who work here?

sunny southern california

jen and me at geisha house in los angeles

live raw nachos at gratitude cafe

jen and me at gratitude

ONE YOGA!

good morning, LA

breakfast at toast. mmm.

the beautiful hemalayaa

coffee and sunshine. i am happy.

jen + cappucino with splash of breve and one raw sugar

sunset in san clemente

monday

Oh no. I am really freaking myself out. I started reading Helter Skelter two nights ago and I am already 260 pages in. It is the most graphic, descriptive and disturbing thing I've ever seen or read regarding the Manson murders, and I can't put it down. I would be reading it right now, but I'm home alone and I'd like to be able to sleep tonight. For some reason, I also started googling haunted places in America and stumbled across the Villisca Axe Murders. Why am I doing this to myself?

In other news, I had a something of an emotional breakdown in my physical therapist's office this morning. I could tell that my emotions were getting out of my control when I started to get a headache- that kind of headache you get when you're trying to suppress tears. I was assigned to 8 minutes on the recumbent bike, and when I was done I was asked if I'd had a nice weekend. "NO!", I said. Then it all came out. Right there in the middle of the office. Another therapist brought me a box of tissues, and my therapist told me that it was okay to cry. When I told her I felt double bad for being upset because at least I could still walk, she told me not to feel like that and pretty much just gave me permission to feel what I was feeling. After a visit that lasted an hour and a half, I went next door to teach my class, and when I got home I bought myself a lavender donut and read Helter Skelter. Oddly enough, that made me feel better. I also did two loads of laundry and ate soup for lunch. There's my whole morning and afternoon in a nutshell.

Tonight I taught a class, and from there I took a class at Hot Yoga For Life. Jill was my teacher, and she has a special place in my heart because it was her class I stumbled into one night while I was visiting Keith before I ever moved here.

I'm off to bed.

sadface

It hurts my soul to know that I probably won't be snowboarding this season. I keep trying to look on "the bright side"- at least I can still walk. At least I can still practice yoga, mostly. Maybe I can start snowshoeing? Then I can at least enjoy the mountain and the snow. But the reality is that I am sad. I have just uncovered my passion for snowboarding, and to think that my body won't allow me to do it just hurts even more than the injury itself.

soaking pool shenanigans

visit

a very important part of portland. beer tasting.

a brief stop at tamanawas falls on mt hood

we wish we'd purchased lavender oil from this place

some people i love at mt hood winery

post-yoga tiny burgers at little big burger

through my eyes

latte from cloud seven

the sky today

jameson park

14th ave

sleepy simon

lovejoy st

monday

Today was a much needed day of blue skies and crisp autumn air. Keith and I took a long walk through the west hills and saw all the mountains (Hood! St. Helens! Rainier!). The contrast of color between the changing leaves and the bright blue sky was perfect. Exactly what I needed. Keith took this photo of me when we were almost home. Though I don't exactly look it, I was so happy. It's amazing what a little sunshine will do for the soul.

friday

I've recently picked up a mid-day latte habit. This is surprising for two reasons: One, I never drank lattes before. Two, I never drank coffee in the middle of the day. I blame Melissa Smith for this habit, and here's why.

In the two weeks leading up to my trip to Pendleton, I had given up coffee. I shouldn't really say "given up", it wasn't intentional. For some reason, I just hadn't been wanting it. On our first morning there, Melissa and I went to a coffee shack. She ordered a latte, I ordered an americano. I continued every morning ordering my usual americano, but I kept having coffee envy over Melissa and Jen's lattes. When Jen and I stopped in Doppio's on our drive home, I ordered a maple latte. Shit, that was good. Have you ever been to Starbucks and ordered a flavored latte? If yes, then you know they have a heavy hand when it comes to the syrup and the drink ends up tasting more like a liquid cavity than a morning or mid-day pick-me-up. At least that's my opinion, but generally I drink my coffee black. The maple latte blew my socks off. I ordered another when I went back there with my husband and aunt on Monday, and for most of the days in between, I've been ordering plain lattes from local coffee shops. And... here's why.

It's chilly, grey and damp here. Sometimes that in itself is enough reason to enjoy a mid-day caffeinated beverage. Also, Aunt Carolyn was here visiting with me until yesterday and we spent a lot of time wandering around the city shopping and checking things out. When we needed a break, we went to have coffee. Not only did we get to rest, but we also got an extra boost for the rest of the afternoon (and I got to expose her to really tasty Portland coffee).

This morning I taught yoga at 5:45am, but I didn't go to sleep last night until 11 because I was playing around with my phone. You know, Facebook, Words With Friends. Whatever, I was tired this morning. I taught again at noon and I'm teaching again at 5:30. At 3:30 I decided to march my buns across the street and get a latte from Coco. It's yummy.

Why am I writing such an extensive blog about coffee? Well, it was either that, or bitch about the weather.

thursday

Salt Lake City

Aspen

San Diego

Telluride

friday

Yesterday I came to two realizations:

ONE- Honest to God, I don't know if I can handle one more season of grey skies and rain.

TWO- I may not be able to snowboard this winter due to a lingering knee injury.

I don't know which of these makes me more sad. Some people enjoy grey weather. They say they feel productive, cozy, romantic, whatever. I am not one of those people. And trust me, I know that attitude is important. I keep telling myself that while I can't change the weather, I can change the way I think about it. But here we are, one week into October, and I'm already losing my mind. My soul needs sunshine. I actually quite enjoy cold weather (I love layering!), but I need the sunshine too.

I feel like bursting into tears! The clouds are suffocating my soul.

happiness

Let me talk for a moment about how much I love the above photograph. It was taken on Saturday, September 3 on Mt Hood. More specifically, it was taken at Timberline. By Amy Siwik.

On the morning of September 3, I woke up at 6:30am. I hadn't slept well the night before and I had to teach yoga at 7. It was going to be a gorgeous day, so I woke Amy up with a phone call just a little after 8:00 and told her to get ready because we were going hiking. Amy is fairly new to Oregon and had never been to Mt Hood, but she loves to hike. This day was so great. My perfect kind of day. We went to Hood River first, listening to great music all along the way. Breakfasted at Doppio's on their patio, did a little window shopping, then drove "the back way" up the mountain. I call it the back way because, well from Portland it is the back way. We hiked Tamanawas Falls and had a great time. She hikes like I do- maniacally and loving every minute of it. Bouncing from place to place, running up hills, stopping for yoga breaks. Her happiness is infectious, and I enjoy being around people like that.

I had to pee for the whole four miles. I kept looking for places off the trail, no luck. I tried to used a port-a-potty at the beginning/end of the trail, it was too gross. In the car we ate peanut butter/jelly/banana (PBJB!) sandwiches and blasted Nine Inch Nails. Oh yes, my soul is smiling. The sky was bright blue, the trees were a deep shade of green and the white caps of snow made the drive perfect and beautiful. Except that I still had to pee. By the time we got to Timberline I was about to explode. If you know me, you know that I drink a lot of water and therefore need to pee frequently. Over share? Sorry. We played around at Timberline for a while, that's where we realized that we were totally cooked. A four mile hike, plus an uphill jaunt at Timberline was enough to do us in. We stopped to take some yoga pictures. This is one of them.

I love everything about this photo. The look on my face. The blue sky. The chair lift in the background. The tip-top of the mountain behind me. The tree stump I'm standing on. Everything. This photo embodies happiness, peace, love and serenity for me.

Some days are just perfect. This was definitely one of them! Yoga in the morning, outdoor breakfast at my favorite place, gorgeous hike, mountain yoga- what could be better for me? I can honestly say- NOTHING!

It is my wish and hope that everyone can find something, at some point in their life, that nourishes their soul the way that everything about this photo nourishes mine. Something that is just for them and no one else.

life

I think that when things suck a little, it's really important to focus on all the love in your life. I normally wouldn't blog about this sort of thing, but in the interest of being real, here it is. My bank account overdrew today. Not a whole lot, but if this has ever happened to you, you know that it's not a good feeling and paying the fee just sucks. When I got this email, my heart immediately sank and I felt really annoyed. I chose to stay relatively calm and just take a few deep breaths. What else are you going to do? I've done it the other way and the outcome isn't any better. When I got home, I transferred money from my savings and just got over it. Here's what really annoyed me about the whole situation: I've been dealing with sciatica for years now and I've been going to this rehab clinic for a couple months now trying to get it under control. These people assured me that after a few visits everything "should be" fine. Not fine! I'm paying a lot of money for this, out of pocket (ie: no health insurance) and I've been doing it once a week for close to two months. I still have sciatica, in fact it flared up just this morning on my hour long drive home from my 5:45am yoga class. I had just been thinking that I needed to figure out a way to tell this clinic that it didn't seem to be helping much and I could no longer afford to keep throwing money at the problem when I got the email: overdraft notice. The culprit: You guessed it. The rehab clinic. I know that at the end of the day it's nobody's fault but my own, but it still sucks. I don't want to make the phone call to cancel my next appointment because I think they're going to grill me about making another appointment. Le sigh...

I should mention that between the hour long commute (my class is in the 'burbs, everyone is commuting into the city for work by the time my class is over) and the dreaded email, I guided 35 yogis through a stellar practice. What was so great about it? My students. They have such great energy, I love them. Just when I start to think "I need to be making more money, maybe I should look for some type of full time job?", a slew of yogis approach me and tell me how much better I make them feel and just like that I feel like I'm living the dream. Well, living the dream, minus the money.

Ok, so back to the dreaded email. I received it when I got in my car right after my second yoga class of the day. On the drive home, I really had to pee and I was trying to figure out how I was going to fix my bank account. It was a little stressful. When I got home, there was a package waiting for me. A care package from my mom. How did she know that on this day, of all days, I needed a care package? How did she know I needed deodorant? How did she know I needed the comfort of my "tiny one"? (maybe I will write a separate blog on my tiny one later). It was just perfect. I started smiling and couldn't stop. A $35 bank fee seemed like nothing in comparison to the love that surrounds me. Then I really started thinking. Melissa is coming to Oregon in just a couple weeks and we're going to The Yoga Roundup together. Melissa is love and light personified. A few days after she leaves, Julia and I are going to spend a night at the Edgefield to celebrate our October birthdays, just the two of us. Then two days after that, my aunt is finally coming to visit Keith and me in Portland. And it doesn't stop there, because I turn 26 at the end of October (grateful to be turning another year wiser!), Keith and I are going to celebrate Thanksgiving in Salt Lake City with some loved ones, snowboarding season will hopefully start, and there's talk of Keith's mom spending Christmas with us in Oregon.

See? Life really is good.

wednesday

Another beautiful day in Portland. In one hour and twenty minutes I can say that my parents will be here the day after tomorrow. I can not wait. For breakfast at Jam. To show them the Coast. To have them in my apartment. To have mom mom in my yoga class. To show them the mountain. All of it.

I am staying up way too late watching Say Yes To The Dress. I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on a wedding dress. I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on anything.

tuesdee

This is one of those absolutely perfect Pacific Northwest summer mornings. The air is crisp, the sun is shining and there's not a cloud to be found in the intensely bright blue sky.

Keith and I are drinking coffee and listening to Jane's Addiction. Three days, to be exact. This is one of our favorite songs. I remember listening to it on repeat in San Diego back in 2004. Ahhh, memories! I also remember seeing Jane's Addiction live at the Sasquatch Festival in 09 and they opened with this song. I thought I was going to pass out. I love it so much!

I bought a different kind of coffee this morning at Trader Joe's. I always buy a dark roast because I like a good strong cup of coffee. But today I decided I'd try the medium roasted 'Wake Up Blend' because it's fair trade and organic. It's definitely lighter than I'm used to, but that might not be a bad thing. And it's smooth, oh so smooth. Also, since my parents will be here on Saturday I thought my dad might something a little lighter. Thank goodness it tastes good because I bought a 28 ounce can of it! Should be lasting for quite some time...

I'm off to enjoy this day.
xoxo

annoyances

I am about to go nuts. I'm sitting in my living room drinking coffee between my morning yoga classes, and this guy is outside with a leaf blower. Not just any leaf blower, but some sort of industrial strength leaf blower. It is so loud, and the start and stop of the sound is really making me want to go outside, snatch the thing from him and toss it in front of the Max.

First of all I'm wondering, why do you need a leaf blower at all? It's summer! Then I'm wondering, why is it taking an hour to complete this task?! And, why are you in the same spot the whole time?!

Make. It. STOP!!!!!

cuteness

I changed the linens on my bed today, and was surprised when Simon didn't try to get out of the way. Not only did he not move, but he also allowed me to put the fitted sheet on top of him, and then he didn't want to come out! I let him stay in there for about 10 minutes, and when I made him come out he let out this pathetic little meow. Poor Simon. He was having so much fun!