sunday

Up early on a Sunday. Although that's not different from any other day. I wish I could just get used to waking up at or before 7 every day. Waking up early comes much easier when I am treating my body better. I've been exercising, eating well, and not drinking alcohol. I haven't been trying to not drink alcohol, I just haven't really been wanting it. I guess I've been a little bit of a hermit recently. Staying in and hanging out alone or with Keith has been feeding my soul more than going out. And that's okay. I didi three loads of laundry last night as I finished watching Precious. I suppose I will do one more Monday night before I go back to Virginia, just so I can leave Keith with all fresh clothes. I haven't even begun to pack yet. Haven't even thought about it, to be honest. I don't even have a bag to take with me. The tone of this trip seems much different than the last time I went back. So much is different. Last time, everything was exciting. The whole mood was happy. This time, the mood is a bit more somber. Health related issues pertaining to my mom and my nephew have got me worried to pieces, and of course I want to spend a ton of time with Stormy. I haven't made a single real plan to spend time with any of my friends yet. My focus is on my family this time. They have my attention. They have my energy and my heart. Sometimes that's just how things work out, I guess.

I am trying to figure out what will serve me best this morning. I got myself out of bed so that I could go to the gym. I can't go tonight because I am going to Melanie's going away party. It's sad to me that I can't spend more time with her before she goes, but with everything going on in my family right now I just can't think about it but so much. If I don't go to the gym I will feel guilty, because I may or may not get to go tomorrow. It is my last day before I leave and who knows what I will or will not get around to? Although crawling back into bed sounds pretty good right now. So does sitting here with a cup of coffee and surfing the internet reading mindless celebrity gossip to help get my mind off other things. But when it comes time for me to go to work and I haven't gone to the gym, I will feel like I wasted a perfectly good morning. So I guess I should go to the gym. That settles that. My goal by going to the gym so much isn't to lose weight. I don't think I need, or even necessarily want, to lose any weight. Toning up a little would be nice, but I feel fairly good in that department too. My main goal is just to feel good. To give myself some sort of healthful routine to follow and stick to. And I like it.

Happy Sunday!

xoxo-
T

movies

Keith and I have decided to watch all of the movies that were up for Best Picture this year. So far I have seen Up, Up in the Air, The Hurt Locker, A Serious Man, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, and now Precious. They were all great movies. I have three more to watch before I can say I've seen them all!

health care

I'll admit it, I don't know much about this new health care reform that just passed. But I do know that I don't have health insurance and I haven't for over a year. I work my butt off between three jobs, but I still can't afford it. I want to know why some people are so against it. I also would like to find one person who doesn't support the bill who is without health care themselves. I've been seeing some facebook rants about it, but I know for a fact that all of the people who are complaining about it (and their families) have health insurance. When Keith and I get sick, we can't go to the doctor. If one of us were to have to be in the hospital, it could ruin our future financially. And we are two people who work steady jobs and have car payments, car insurance, student loans, etc. to pay for every month. I know plenty of people who are post-college age who are struggling to land a decent job and to make their student loan payments and these are the kinds of people who also can't afford health care. To deny us health care is wrong. Nobody should be without health care. So I just wonder how these people who are looking for "one million people who don't support the new health care bill" would feel if their family had to go without health insurance. Topics like this work me up. I think I will go to the gym now and forget about this!

missing cindy

I hope I can fall asleep tonight and stay asleep. Last night I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep until 5:30. Then Simon woke me up at 8, which is 30 minutes before I wanted to wake up. I was going to let myself sleep in a little. So much for that. On top of being up for three hours in the middle of the night, I was crying my soul out because I miss Cindy so much. I am flying back to Virginia for 12 days in a week and she won't be there. I'm curious to know how I will react to that, but judging by my recent emotions, it could be poorly. Yes, I know that I am lucky to have had her in my life. I know that I am lucky to have so many wonderful memories of her that make me laugh and smile. But the fact is that she was too young too die, and she left behind a 15 year old daughter and, well, me. I'm so pissed at the situation. Knowing what a tough woman she was, I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her illness would take her life. I kept telling myself that she'd pull through and be one of the few to survive it, or at the very least one of the ones who made it 5 years or more. I had hoped that she would see Stormy graduate high school, and me get married. So I think the nearer my trip gets, the more anxiety I feel. Each day that passes, I am a day closer to having to face her death in a way that I haven't had to do yet. Maybe it will be good for me to face it, but it will still be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I am looking forward to hopefully sleeping in a little bit tomorrow morning, and teaching again at Tualatin at noon. I hope the morning and afternoon will be clear so I can catch a glimpse of Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helens on my way to class. My favorite view of Mt. Hood is right when you're coming around the corner about to get on the 5, just after the Ross Island Bridge exit. It's amazing and never fails to force me to be in the present moment and enjoy those few moments when I can take in its beauty.

I'm out of coffee and so is Trader Joe's. Am I potentially setting myself up for a horrendous day tomorrow?

happy

What a delicious Saturday morning! I started the day by waking up at 6:45 and teaching a class at 7:45. I've been teaching lots of classes this week for a teacher who is on vacation. The first of her classes I taught was Tuesday. I left the room that day feeling really good because everyone was telling me how much they loved class and they all wanted to know when I was coming back. One woman who was a bit older came up to me after class with a "problem". She told me that she sweats a lot in yoga, and that it was more of a problem in my class than anyone else's. It was pretty cute. I assured her that not only was it okay to sweat, but that it was good for allowing toxins to leave the body. But that left me wondering how my classes stack up next to others. Clearly, I move a lot more. So this morning in class, I told people that I generally led a more fast paced vinyasa class and asked if they were okay with that, and I told them they could let me know if they wanted something different and I would accommodate it as best I could. Someone shouted out, "Your style, please!" I liked it. It's nice to be liked, especially for doing what you love! And again, after class people asked when I was coming back. I answered, "soon, I hope!" These folks are good for my ego! :) Ego was a bad choice of words, considering you're supposed to let it go during yoga, but in truth, when I have a a group of people that I connect with, class is just so much better. I draw so much positive energy off of my students.

So this morning as I was driving to Tualatin for class, Mt. Hood was so amazingly beautiful. On the way home, my view of Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helens was just breathtaking. These two mountains in the morning are phenomenal. I can't even put it into words. This has been a nice morning so far. I am really tired (I have been having trouble falling asleep), but other than that things are fine. I'm working on four loads of laundry, having coffee, watching Sex and the City, and I just polished off a bowl of yogurt, fruit and granola.

Happy Saturday!

xoxo-
T

expectations

Sometimes you have to learn to let go of how you think it's supposed to look. I, like most people, have placed expectations upon plenty of things. Once you learn that it's okay to have expectations, as long as you aren't attached to them, life will be a lot happier. I had a yoga student this morning, she was brand new to yoga, a bit overweight, and more than a bit nervous. I was lucky enough to overhear her talking with her husband about her apprehensions right before class, so I introduced myself and gave her a few pointers. "Let go", I told her. Let go of what you think you're supposed to look like, let go of what everyone else looks like, just let go. I've been big on this in my classes recently. For many of my students, their yoga practice is the only time where they don't have to be anything but exactly who they are in that very moment. Not "mom", not "dad", not employee of the month, or whatever it may be. Can't touch your toes? It's okay. Can't sit as deep into chair pose as your neighbor? That's just fine. Maybe last week you were flat as a pancake in your seated forward fold, but this week you're struggling to touch your toes with bent knees. I am trying to teach my students that it really is all good. I have been really encouraging them to smile and be okay with whatever comes their way, on the mat and off. The moral of this late-night blog is this: What works for you may not work for me, and vice versa. That's the beauty of this life. And I love it.

xoxo-
T

yard

I was just looking at someone's facebook page and they had posted a few pictures of their new home with it's "huge front yard". "Huge front yard?", I thought. "Looks more like a huge piece of work to me!" I bet I can count on one hand the number of times I have cut grass or done any sort of yard work. Not my cup of tea! I always think it would be really cute and nice to have a garden, but then I remember that you have to do things to it. No thanks. I live just a few blocks from Trader Joe's and that's good enough for me :)

excited

I am so excited. Thirteen days until I am back in Virginia! Life is good today. I taught yoga this morning. I will teach yoga again tonight. And in between I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing. Yay!

xoxo-
T

happ-eeee!

Yesterday was not my best day! I had a pretty busy day at work, and at the end of my day I realized that there were two one hundred dollar bills missing out of my drawer. Not a good feeling, let me tell you. I called Shannon freaking out. I cried. I freaked out some more. I looked around for it like a crazy person. And then I freaked out some more. All I could think was, "how am I going to pay this back?" On my way home I stopped into Trader Joe's to pick up some things and the cashier (whose line I go through regularly) asked me how my day was. I almost broke down in tears as I told him that I had misplaced two hundred big ones. When I got home, I decided not to tell Sarah about the incident because I just really didn't want to think about it anymore, but I continued to think about it anyway. I started feeling better about it the more I thought about it because I replayed the last hour of my day in my head so many times that I was positive I hadn't accidentally given too much change to anyone. We rarely have cash transactions here,and I would like to think that if I were to give someone that much extra change back that they would notice and return it, but who knows? People can be jerks. Anyway, I got to work this morning and found it. What a relief! I danced and screamed and everything. Two hundred dollars is a lot of money to be losing, especially when it isn't even your money to be losing in the first place!

So anyway, Sarah and I had a dance party in the living room last night. Glorious, as always. As you can clearly see in the video below, we both know how to shake it ;) I also went to the gym, but when I got home I ate 9 soy nuggets. Woops! I am a sucker for anything involving salt and/or ketchup and I was really having a craving.

Today I am really just blissfully happy. Like bursting at the seams happy. I've had to reign it in a little because I am at work, but I've been quite the smiley and energetic sales girl. I am so happy that I feel like I should be running through a field of daisies in a sundress and screaming at the top of my lungs. I have the best family, the best boyfriend and the BEST FRIENDS anyone could ever hope to have. Life is good. If I had a little bit more money it would just send me over the edge because things would just be freakishly perfect.

Some of my friends have just been especially kind, warm and loving recently and I am so ridiculously grateful for it. Shannon, for keeping me calm during the work fiasco, Cristena and Erica- they know why. Sarah, for being here. Stormy, for giving me the greatest reaction I could have ever imagined, and Tonya, for always listening. Ahh! What did I ever do to deserve such lovely folks?

xoxo-
T

do the stanky legg.

During an O.C. party on the couch, Sarah and I decided to relive a fine memory of our cross-country road trip last year. Doing the stanky legg in a cheap hotel room in Indiana. Ahhh...

stuff

Sunday morning came an hour earlier than I expected. For some reason, after 24 years on this planet, I forgot "Spring forward, fall back" and I was convinced all weekend that I was going to be gaining an hour today. Turns out I was wrong.

Last night Sarah and I went to see Up In The Air at the Mission. I had already seen it once, but it's good so I didn't mind seeing it again.

The stereo at work is broken. It is silent in here. Sometimes I can appreciate silence, but right now it is driving me nuts. I opened Pandora and "The Colors of the Wind" came on. Really? Seriously? I created a Loretta Lynn station. Much better! I like really old country music. Especially right now for some reason.

I have switched my morning breakfast from coffee and a bagel to coffee and plain nonfat greek style yogurt with fresh fruit and granola mixed in. The past two mornings have been bananas and blueberries, and I am looking forward to summer when I can add strawberries! They are very expensive right now! I've also been eating lots of spinach and other organic goodness. Sometimes I eat garbage, but recently I have been really into eating real food. And by real food, I mean I actually check the ingredients to see what my food consists of. It is scary how many chemicals go into the "food" we eat.

Sarah and I have been having a really great time! It has been relaxing and low key. Typically, it is a little bit stressful having a house guest, at least for me. But this visit has been really nice. As I was sitting in the theater last night, I couldn't help but think about how happy I am right now. Of course, I miss Cindy and I think of her every day. I worry about Stormy and her happiness, but other than that I am very well. I think I have done a good job of "letting go" of that situation a little bit. Stormy and I have been talking more and that makes me really happy. Talking to her and keeping her close is helping me deal with the loss of Cindy. I was really sad for that week when Stormy and I had fallen out of sync with each other. Back to the crying and sulking, even. But I feel better now. I can't wait to wrap my arms around her cute little self soon! There are some people who really just feed my soul. She is one of them.

I wonder what Sarah and I will do tonight? I am going to go to the gym and then do some laundry, so I assume we will hang in tonight and make dinner and watch some more Jersey Shore. What a precious gem that show is! Such trash, but so good. Tomorrow night we are going back to the Mission Theater to see a free show on the history of NW 23rd Ave! So exciting! It will be a nice last night for Sarah. I will miss her when she goes back to Virginia! But I won't be too far behind her.

Speaking of a friend going back to Virginia, I am really going to miss Melanie. She is moving back to Nova in a month. And Ina is leaving for the Peace Corps in August. They are two of my favorite Portlanders. It makes me sad, but they're on to better things and I am happy for them. At least I will still have Julia and Alex! I've been lucky to meet such quality people here.

I am wearing a very weird outfit today. Blue tights, a black puffy super high wasted skirt and a white button up top, tucked in of course. I feel a little bit alien-like. And I can like it!

I am looking forward to seeing Cora, Leigh and Hazel! Pizza party. Yes, please.

I think I am done blogging for now.
xoxo-
T

guess who?

"I have done love stories, they've just been in my other movies. True Romance's title was not ironic. Sure, James Gandolfini almost beats Patricia Arquette to death and she has to blow him away with a shotgun but that doesn't mean it's not romantic. It just has to be done my way and I think people want me to do it my way."

ugh!

I'm pissed off at these fools in the government who think they can make decisions regarding who can take who to prom! The marriage equality issue is bad enough, but now a high school has completely cancelled their prom because one girl wanted to take another girl as her date and wear a tuxedo. Now other kids at the school are ridiculing and scrutinizing her and she doesn't even want to go to school anymore. Some people can be such judgmental assholes! F***'em!

On a much lighter (and happier) note, Sarah flew in from Virginia yesterday and we are having a fantastic time! Yesterday we shopped on 23rd, had bubble tea, and she even came to my yoga class. Great times! And this is only the beginning, she is here until Tuesday!

xoxo-
T

ti-red

I think tonight will be one of those "go to bed at 7:30" nights. And I am completely okay with that. I had planned a Scrabble night at my house tonight and everyone had originally said yes, but last night Ina canceled, and then today Melanie canceled. That left only Julia and me and she has been saying all day how tired she is too, so I just decided to cancel the event altogether. Clearly, I am using the term "event" loosely, as all we were going to do was sit around and eat chips and salsa and play games. But whatever. We will have to reschedule for another time when we aren't all so tired!

I've been going to the gym a lot recently. I am really motivated, so that's a good thing. Although waking up at 5 and 6 and 7 in the morning to go work out is starting to take it's toll. I am so exhausted! All I can think about is "sleeping in" until 8 tomorrow morning. I am not even sure how I am surviving this day at work!

I am really looking forward to plopping down on the couch and possibly even falling asleep there. Ahh...

L... is for the way you look at me.

Blissfully happy! Yay for love!

Simon's response

Whiny Simon

$x$x$

Ugh! I really hate not having money. This sucks! Sucks sucks sucks. I wish a few thousand dollars would just fall out of the sky for me. That's really not that much, right?

ouch

My soul hurts today. I miss Cindy. I miss the way things used to be, and I know they will never be the same again. Change is inevitable, and change can be good, but boy does it take some getting used to. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in things. Sometimes it even seems impossible to see the good in things. That's where I am at this moment. My fingers are crossed for Stormy. I love her very much. I have got to learn to put my own feelings aside and just hope for her happiness and safety. In the end, all things aside, all Cindy would ever want for Stormy is to be happy and safe. Decisions will be made that I don't agree with, and I can wish with all of my heart that they were different, but for now I will try to channel all of my energy into wishing her a happy and safe life. I have such high hopes for her and want nothing but the best for her. It is out of my hands. As much as it hurts, it is out of my hands.

happy march

Right now I am feeling a mix of emotions. An extreme mix of emotions. I am so very happy about one thing that's going on in my life, and so devastated over another. Neither of which I really care to elaborate on this very public blog, so I guess I'll leave it at that.

I'm going back to Virginia at the end of this month, so that's a perk. I'm also teaching a lot of yoga this month. Another perk.

Tomorrow morning I am planning to go to the gym for some delicious cardio followed by an even more delicious yoga class. That will be nice. I am teaching a class of my own tomorrow night at 6:30. I am teaching this particular class for three consecutive weeks. Should be fun. I love to sub, but I also enjoy being given the opportunity to connect with students on a slightly deeper level.

Keith and I have been so busy recently with house guests. I had a lovely visit with Melissa, and we had a great visit with Denise (Keith's mom), but it is nice to be able to reclaim our space. Next, we are looking forward to a visit from Adam. That should be crazy in the highest sense of the word, to put it mildly. Speaking of crazy, Ian Graham was in Portland this weekend from Richmond and we had ourselves a grand old time Saturday night. Always nice to see a familiar face.

xoxo-

T