HANDSTAND!

This is my handstand. Today is the first day I have successfully balanced away from a wall. It felt amazing. I felt strong and empowered, like all these years of practice really are paying off. You see, I have these really freakishly flexible shoulders that have hindered my practice for years. They collapse when I need them to support me. I'm still working toward building strength, but I feel like this is a huge step in the right direction. About a year ago I took Kathryn Budig's 'Flight of the Yogi' workshop and up until that day I had my mind made up that inversions just would not ever be a part of my practice, and I certainly would not ever enjoy them. Turns out, I could do them all along, I had just been letting fear get in my way. Going upside down is scary. Standing on anything other than your feet is awkward, because let's face it- how often do the majority of people in this world stand on their hands, their forearms or their heads? Like anything else, it takes practice. Practice along with a real sense of dedication to the practice, and a desire to grow, learn and build strength.

How do I know it was fear holding me back, and not my physical body? Easy. I've been practicing L-pose against the wall for a while now. I've been able to do it for years, but it's not something I practiced regularly. I have this great little hallway outside my bathroom that is the perfect space to practice L-pose and then kick the legs over into handstand. I realized this maybe just two months ago, and started practicing there. Again, not super regularly. In fact, I'd say I only did it two or three times. Each time I tried it I felt terrified. I felt like my arms were going to snap off at the elbow. For some reason a few days ago I decided to practice hopping into handstand from down dog at the wall. I decided to take the end result out of the equation and focus mostly on creating a sense of floaty lightness so that 1) When I did finally hit the wall it would be soft and controlled and 2) When my feet landed back on the ground it would be soft and controlled. I figured the pose itself would naturally follow, and it did. Yesterday I asked Keith to watch me practice and tell me if I was anywhere close to nailing it. He said, "try harder." In that moment, I couldn't believe he said that. I wanted to say, "Does it look like I'm not trying?!" I wanted to get frustrated and give up, but I didn't. Instead, I just tried harder. And the very next hop took me all the way up. I pressed my hands down into the wood floor and lifted up and out of my shoulders, and I was doing it. Holy shit. What else can I "not" do because I'm afraid?!

What an amazing feeling.

walk

I just got home from a most superb evening stroll. I noticed that it wasn't raining out and the sun was shining, so I tossed a load of laundry in the wash and headed out. I decided to walk south into the west hills. So glad that I did! This is a beautiful evening. Not cold, not hot, not chilly, not warm. Just perfect. The views from the hills are absolutely stunning. I walked up this ridiculously steep street, stopped for a moment to turn and look behind me, and there was Mt. St. Helens in all its glory, surrounded by pink clouds as the sun was just starting to set. I love that I have lived here for more than two years, but I can always find something new to marvel at. Every walk I have ever taken around my apartment has been a different route, different places to go and different things to see. So amazing! I love this night.

saturday

Good morning. Happy Saturday. It's not raining. For now. The sun is even out a little bit. I am tired. Tired. Physically. And of stuff.

Keith and I went to see The Hangover Part II last night. Pretty funny. Although I think I liked the first one better. But still, it was funny and worth the $23.50. I guess. Remember when movies used to cost like $5.50? I do. Miss those days. Can you imagine taking someone on a nice dinner and movie date? Let's say you order an appetizer, two entrees and a bottle of wine at dinner, and you order a popcorn and two drinks at the theater. You'd be looking at a bare minimum of $100. Everything is so expensive these days! I was looking at Britney Spears tickets the other night, some of them cost as much as $3,300. I'm serious. If I had that kind of money, I'd get 300 more hours of training. Or go on a nice vacation. I love Britney Spears, but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'll have to let go of $60 to see her, I couldn't even fathom $3,300. For anyone, ever.

I'm craving mountains. The mountain. And it's overcast again.

love this song

teaser trailer for bridgetown minutes

Bridgetown Minutes Teaser (pre-casting) from Keith Apland on Vimeo.

photos.

These are some of my favorite photos from Saturday evening at Julia's.

monday

Back to the grey. Every day that's overcast like this makes me want to move away! I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about San Diego and my memories there. I wish Scott and Becky still lived there. If they did, perhaps we might too? We could visit, if nothing else. I miss San Diego :(

On the flip side of this, I do love Oregon. Not always, but the times that I love it I really love it. I love it when the sun is shining and it's warm and there's no humidity, or when I'm cruising down the side of a mountain with a board strapped to my feet, or when I'm drinking a superb cup of coffee or delicious local ipa, or when it's clear out and I can see the incredible monster that is Mt. Hood from the city. See- I really do like Oregon.

Speaking of delicious local ipa, I had four of them Saturday night (too much for me, really) and then took a 90 minute hot yoga class Sunday morning. Ouch. But I did have a super fun time at Julia's house after the Art Walk. Worth it!

This grey day has a lot of yoga and laundry on the list of things to do. I'm teaching at 11, taking a hot class at 4 and doing laundry in between, and probably after too. Tomorrow night is the finale of The Biggest Loser, which really excites me! I really got into that show this season and didn't miss a single episode. My two favorite girls made it all the way to the top 3, so it's been a really fun way to spend a Tuesday night for the past however many months. God, that sounds lame.

more memories

I woke up to yet another beautiful morning of sunshine. I could really get used to this! As I was walking through my apartment opening windows, I had a flash of a memory. Something about the blue sky, bright sun and green on the trees reminded me of my last trip to San Diego in 2008. I was running a lot around the time I went because I was training for a 10k, or had either recently completed one, I can't remember. Beside the point. My aunt and I were staying at a hotel in La Jolla and I went for a run every morning. It was so nice! I remember jogging through a swanky La Jolla neighborhood wishing that I lived there, and wondering if people could mistake me for a local? I ran pretty far because everything was new and unfamiliar to me, and I wanted to see as much as I could. On another run, I ran along the coastline from La Jolla to about halfway to Pacific Beach and back. Running by the ocean in Southern California was the greatest thing ever. The California coastline is so gorgeous. Here are some photos that my aunt and I took when I returned from my run.

Simply amazing. Oregon is beautiful, but in my heart and soul- nothing can compare to this.

barefoot vs. running shoes

Today is another beautiful day in Portland. We are so long overdue for this, I can not even tell you. After months and months of cold, grey and wet, we deserve every minute of these clear blue sunny skies.

Yesterday I decided to try something new. Instead of running on the treadmill before my 11am class, I decided to take an afternoon run around the waterfront. Best idea ever! The water was beautiful, it was so clear and sunny and it felt cleansing to my soul. It was about 3 miles. I came home and told Keith about it and how wonderful it felt, so today he and I did the same run together. Yesterday, I wore my running shoes. Within the first mile, my hips and knees felt unhappy. I pushed through, but told myself the next time I run I will wear my Merrell Barefoot shoes. So today I did, and I noticed a big difference. My body felt so much better. I'm currently reading The Barefoot Running Book and the author makes such valid points I had to try it for myself. In barefoot shoes, of course, not actually barefoot (although some people do). Lots of people think the barefoot running philosophy is a crock of shit, but I think critics should try running both ways before they form an opinion. I'm sure every body is different, but mine prefers when I run in the barefoots!

Back to the run itself- it was so nice to run with Keith today! I love that we're an active couple and do fun things together. Yesterday I ran with my iPod, which is nice too in its own way, but nothing beats an outdoor jog on a sunny day alongside my husband!

sunshiny morning

Lovely morning! The sun is shining and the sky is bright blue. Hopefully this morning sunshine will lead to afternoon warmth so I can wear a skirt today. I have no reason to get dressed in real clothes since all I do is teach yoga, but if it's warm I will for sure put on a skirt and make it a point to walk somewhere. I love mornings like this. I have the blinds open and some of the windows too, and I am drinking coffee and making playlists for my classes today. Couldn't be any better...

memories

I need the beach! I have been thinking a lot recently about my life on the east coast. Not so much my entire life on the east coast, or missing it necessarily, but mostly just about the summers I spent at the beach. Myrtle Beach, in particular. Here's a little background (for those of you who aren't my mom).

My Aunt Carolyn's BFF lives in Myrtle Beach. Jacqui. Her son is Jake. My friend Jake. When I was younger, in my single digits, my aunt would take my cousin and I with her down there (it was about a 5 or so hour drive from Richmond) and we'd stay with Jacqui. She lives about 4 blocks off the beach in what I would consider a very South Carolinian home. Not huge, but beautiful. The entire back yard is basically a deck. There's a pool, a fish pond that she built herself (she's crafty), trees (palm trees, I think), and a covered porch that's perfect for sitting and chatting on hot summer days. I would call it divine. I have memories of sitting outside by the pool with my cousin Holly in the morning and Jacqui would serve us homemade biscuits and then we would spend the day swimming in the pool. So much fun! They also own an Italian restaurant and all of us would get together and go there for fancy dinners. I love those memories. Once Jake was old enough to drive, I would hang out with him while my aunt and Jacqui did whatever it is that they did. You know, like go to movies, or to the beach or whatever. At the time, I was like 12 and Jake was 16 so we weren't necessarily buddies. It was more like, "Jake, you take Carolyn's niece out and show her around so she's not bored!" Eventually, my aunt bought a beachfront condo so we started going down there a lot more. I'd go down with my parents. We'd play putt-putt during the day and lay on the beach, and go out to dinner in the evening. You know, typical summer beach activities. I spent time with Jake during those trips too, but it wasn't until I was a little older that we really became friends. By the time I was 17 I would take off and drive down there on a moment's notice just to hang out with Jake (and his at-the-time girlfriend Kourtney). I could go into more detail, but since I'm leaving in about twenty minutes to go to yoga I'll spare you. Maybe I'll write more later? But anyway, the point of this story is simply to say that Jake is one of my dearest and oldest friends. Even though we've never lived in the same state, we've always been good friends. He's the only male that I've ever had a long term, genuinely platonic friendship with. He's great! The first time I went back to Virginia after moving to Portland, he and his girlfriend and baby came up and we had a big dinner at Hondo's, just like old times at Umberto's. The drinks were a-flowin' and I got ripped and made a speech about how much I loved everyone at the table. Tapped a utensil on my wine glass to get everyone's attention and everything. That was 1 year and 10 months ago, and I haven't seen Jake since. When I go back to Virginia next month, I'm going to Myrtle Beach for two nights and I can't wait! It will be interesting to be there again, since it's been over two years and I used to go there as often as once a month, never going more than a few months without making a trip. To say I'm looking forward to it would be an understatement.

Yesterday Julia and I went shopping and I bought some cute summer things to take on my trip, because Lord knows I don't need them here in Portland. I bought two skirts, a dress and a top. All adorable. I feel like going to Bath and Body Works, for old time's sake since I used to go there all the time, and buying a coconut scented lotion. Reminds me of the beach!

I am so grateful for my childhood memories. I had a great childhood and I have my mom and dad to thank for that.

Off to the yoga!

feeling better

Yesterday was a crap day. It was rainy and gloomy outside, for one. Whenever I am in a mood like I was in yesterday, it is generally dark and dreary outside. And guess what, it's gloomy again today. AHHHH! I am ready for some consistent warmth and sunshine. I'm not going to say that the weather is completely to blame for my meltdown yesterday (oh and trust me, meltdown is not an exaggeration, ask Shannon), but I do think it played a small role. Sometimes emotions just build inside and eventually you have to let them out. Thank goodness for my sweet friends, mother and husband. I feel quite a bit better today.

Last night Keith and I wandered around Lloyd Center for a couple hours after I got off work. I tried on a ruffly romper and it made me feel pretty. I didn't buy it for a couple of reasons. I try not to impulse purchase these days, so if it stays on my mind long enough, I can always go back and get it. Also, it was a halter with skinny straps (would look insanely precious with a wedge shoe), and it won't be warm enough to wear anything like that in Portland for at least another month or two. And even then, there's only a small window of warmth. I basically would have been buying it to wear in Virginia and Myrtle Beach next month. Not sure it was worth it. But it was cute and fun to try on, nonetheless. When we got home, we settled into the couch to watch a few episodes of Weeds and I was in bed by 9:30, just the way I like it.

Now that I've let you know that I'm feeling better, can we talk about how much I love Kate Middleton? I can not seem to get enough of her. I am that dork who looks at the 'Royals' section of people.com and covets what she's wearing. She's got such a clean and simple sense of style. Just like me! (?) We should be friends!

pretty

Whiny McWhinerson Alert.

I have been bummed recently because I never feel pretty anymore. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel pretty, and it's been a long time since I have. As delightful as it is to spend my days sharing yoga with others, I never wear "real" clothes anymore. And when I do, I just throw something on with little to no effort. My flat iron broke a few weeks ago, and as much as I am trying to embrace my less-than-perfect natural hair, it's been difficult for me. I'm also tired of my makeup bag. I have two shades of blush- one was given to me by my drunken lunatic of a neighbor back when I was living on Monument (at least four years ago), and the other is even older than that. I replace my mascara like once a year, I wear tinted moisturizer that is a shade too dark because Target was sold out of 'light', and I purchased eyeliner a few weeks ago thinking maybe I would wear it every now and again to change my look a bit, but I haven't even opened it yet. Because why bother? It's Portland. That's what I keep saying to myself. It's Portland! You can get away with anything here, and people don't care. The more casual, the better. Yesterday I popped into Sequel between classes to say hello to Rita and check out what she had, and I found a pair of off-white Dansko sandals in my size for $19. They were so comfortable and had a cute little ankle strap and were practically new, even though they were actually at least five years old. They were a little bit 'old lady', because let's face it- most Danskos are, so I decided against them because I already have one pair of old lady Dansko sandals that I love and I don't need two. My entire wardrobe, even down to my boring nude colored bras, is purely about comfort. Every top I own is cotton and casual, I haven't purchased new jeans in well over a year, except for the frumpy pair of 'boyfriend trousers' I bought at the Gap 10 months ago. I haven't changed the part in my hair since Jarod made me change it 6 years ago, and I haven't highlighted it since February 2009 (I thought natural was more age appropriate? Not to mention cheaper.). I tried on a $6 cotton coral colored skirt yesterday and couldn't buy it because all I could see were my pasty white legs. I am so down on my look, if you haven't gathered that already. A few days ago I decided to spend $20 of my hard earned yoga money on a pedicure. Because I'm worth it and only indulge like that maybe twice a year. I chose a red hue. It made me feel sexy. I feel like I am one of not-so-many people who can actually justify a pedicure since I do my job barefoot and my piggies are always on display. Even in the winter. I wish I felt like blowing that money once a month. I used to, several summers ago when I was in my early 20s (which seems like a decade ago, when in reality it was more like 4 years- nothing in the grand scheme of things). I also used to get those horrible acrylic nails. Although I kept them very short and round, quite natural looking for something so artificial, it still did a number on my nails and I will never do it again. I also used to make regular visits to Salon Vande to get my eyebrows waxed and have Jarod cut and color my hair. I used to think I was like my Nana, who was always very well put together and took great care of herself. She always looked beautiful. She wasn't superficial, in fact she was one of the sweetest people I've ever known, but she just had a knack for lookin' good. Always donning the right jewelry, shoes, handbag and blouse- she was just always pretty. Had her hair done, her nails, everything. I miss her. I could use her guidance right about now.

I should also mention that while I am having issues with my look, they aren't body-image related. Wouldn't that be a terrible double-whammy? I never feel pretty because I spend all of my time in yoga or gym clothes, and I'm still not happy with my body? Yikes! Of course there are little things here and there that I'd like to be a little different, but overall I have finally discovered a healthy body image. For one, I am healthy (regularly practicing yoga, doing cardio, and nourishing my body with good food), but more than anything I think it has to do with getting older, and with that comes more comfort in my own skin. Acceptance. A happy feeling. Ironically, when I used to have all these beauty rituals (tanning, hair, nails, etc), that's when I had body issues. But then again, I'd like to meet a 20 year old woman who doesn't.

I love looking at my pictures from Vegas for so many reasons. One, I remember how happy I was being surrounded by my closest friends. Two, I was getting MARRIED! And three- I felt so pretty! When you're in Vegas, you can really do it up. Sky high heels, tiny little mini dress, and all the makeup you want. If I dressed like that in Portland, I would feel so out of place. And I would be out of place! I had a super long day yesterday, I taught five classes at five different places and I was so wiped when I got home. I decided to take a hot shower, slather myself with lavender oil and hit the sack. While I was in the shower, I found myself wondering what would my life be like if I had moved to San Diego instead of Portland? If you know me at all, you know that I've wanted to live in San Diego every since I first visited there at 18. Would my hair be really blonde? And would my wardrobe alternate between bikinis and sundresses? Would I feel pretty on the outside but still be working on the inside? Then my focus changed- would I be teaching yoga? Would I be a snowboarder? Would I have the same kind of down to earth friends who are into things like gardening, morning coffee dates and art?

I have been in a deep state of reflection recently. I don't know why. I wrote this because I needed to let it out. Not because I need someone to go, "but you are pretty!". This is my blog. These are my thoughts.

Publish post.