my niece

Little Miss Ellie. Perfect and beautiful!

sunrise in p-town

This photo was taken this morning by Sarah Esterman. Amazing, right?

Keith's birthday

I forgot to write about Keith's birthday! He turned 30 yesterday and we had a very low key day. We woke up at Timberline and had breakfast at the Lodge (so good!), and then we went down the mountain a couple times (he went more than me because I am slower), then we came back to Portland. Had a tough time getting out of the parking lot at Timberline since we only had one chain, but we made it. Once we got out of the parking lot the roads were much more clear. We stopped at the place in Sandy where I bought the chains and returned them (after me arguing with the manager for 15 minutes), dropped off my rental board, picked up a pizza and came home. Then we went out to see A Serious Man at the Laurelhurst (Keith had beer, popcorn and more pizza). Keith and I agreed on two things: 1) The movie was good, and 2) What was it supposed to be about? It was a pretty neat movie by the Coen brothers. I think I'd see it again.

home

Home from Mt. Hood. Had a blast. Already have the next trip planned- Feb. 5 with Ina! I am still very much a beginner, but I feel pretty confident. Snowboarding is so much fun! Thank you yoga, for providing me with a wonderful sense of balance and my center. It felt so good to be one with nature. Even when I was stuck in 12 inches of powder and wiping out face first.

Today has been quite nice. I taught yoga this morning- while sitting on an exercise ball. I am sore from the past two days! I also did two loads of laundry and grocery shopping for Keith and myself. I am teaching another class tonight.

Keith passed his test today, so we both are now licensed to drive in Oregon! What a load off my back. Mine didn't expire until October, but I am so glad to just have it out of the way. My tags, on the other hand, expired last August, so I am looking forward to receiving my Oregon ones in the mail any day now.

After spending a few days on the mountain, I am really wanting to move to Salt Lake City! I love it so much! I always thought I was more of a Southern California beach-type girl, but now I am not so sure. I loved every minute of our trip! I feel so addicted to snowboarding! I have been dreaming about it and thinking about it all day, and anxiously awaiting my next trip. We only live a little over an hour from Mt. Hood, but if we lived in SLC, we'd only be minutes away from a mountain!

Simon is laying on the couch in his signature cinnamon roll pose.

I am looking forward to a visit from Stormy this summer. I am hoping she can stay here for two weeks. There are so many fun things for us to do here.

Simon has now switched from his cinnamon roll pose to laying on his back with his little legs in the air. He is cute. We missed him while we were gone!

xoxo-

T

for tony

hot tubbin'

on the lift

nature

I feel more like myself today. The mountain was silent, so silent that I could hear people chatting on the lift above. I had a hard time at first, but once I got going I felt great. I am perfecting my abilities to stop and go and feeling really good about it. The area in which I could use some improvement is getting off the lift! The hill is so steep! I have ridden down on my ass every single time! But that's okay. As long as I feel good going down the slope, I am not so worried about getting off the lift! I'll work more on that tomorrow, or maybe today if I go back out. My legs are feeling like jello right now though!

Last night, after an extremely stressful drive up (we got stuck and had to be pulled to the top because our chains broke), I got in the hot tub. Lucky for me, I randomly took my bikini off and threw it in my trunk last summer after a day at Sauvie Island, so I had it with me! The hot tub and pool here are outdoors and it is so cool to sit out there and be surrounded by 90 inches of snow with it steadily coming down! Keith has a video of me going out there, walking through the snow with nothing more than a bikini and towel on. Yes, it was cold! Until I got in the hot tub :) I will post it when we get home.

We had a really nice breakfast this morning. It was a buffet and they had one of those do-it-yourself waffle makers. It reminded me of Cindy. If you knew her, you'd know why!

I think I am done blogging for now. Maybe more later!

xoxo-

T

...

I do not feel like myself. I really do feel like a part of me is missing. I feel antisocial. I feel alone, even though I know I'm not. I feel somber and want to keep myself isolated from others. Thursday night I fell asleep at 2 in the morning and had to be up at 5 to teach yoga. I felt horrible. I spent hours in bed just screaming. I keep pictures of us that she sent me on my birthday next to my bed and looking at them brought on a tremendous breakdown. It felt good to scream and be angry, but at the same time I felt so desperate and helpless. Nothing can bring her back. I was so tired while teaching that my eyes were burning and my vision was even blurred. Somehow, I was able to pull it together and we had a nice class. My morning class is growing in size, so the last thing I want to do is let them down. After class I went to the DMV and passed my test for my Oregon drivers license (only a year after moving here), so that was a perk. I'd spent the last three days studying for it. Afterward, I came home and slept for a couple hours and then did some housework. Speaking of housework, in a way I feel like that's sort of been keeping me sane. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and it's been oddly therapeutic for me. I guess that's because since everything else seems to be in shambles right now, at least I am able to keep my home straight. Talking to Stormy a lot has also been a help. I hope it is as comforting for her as it has been for me. I can't wait to get back to Virginia so I can wrap my arms around her. I have always called her my cousin, but recently she has felt more like my sister. I'm hoping she can come stay with me in Portland for a bit in the summer.

Keith and I are going to Timberline tomorrow for two nights. I had been looking forward to it for about a month, so I am hoping that I will be able to find some peace and joy once I am there. I know that nothing will bring Cindy back and nothing but time will heal my pain, but I am hoping that being out of the city and cruising/tumbling down the mountain will at least do something good for me. I've just been so sad, and I feel like it gets worse each day. I am trying to be patient with myself, but I am really wondering when or if it will ever get better?

Sad and blue

A world without her just isn't the same. I'm sad and I feel like it just keeps getting worse. Today I think I experienced every emotion possible. The anger was the worst. I hope those around me can understand. And I hope that someway somehow, I find the strength to get through this.

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getting through it

Knowing that I am not alone here in Portland has been a tremendous help in my time of grief. Having Keith in my life is a huge blessing, and having such phenomenally kind and caring coworkers/friends has been a big help as well. To be honest, I have worried about how yesterday's events would unfold for months. I kept thinking to myself, "How will I ever be able to convey to others that Cindy is a member of my family, without actually being a member of my family?" But I didn't even have to worry about that. My bosses were so warm and compassionate.

Today was easier than yesterday, but honestly I think that's because I didn't think about it. People called to offer their condolences, and I thanked them kindly and changed the subject as quickly as I could. I wonder if I have an unhealthy way of dealing with death? I guess each person is different. Perhaps there is no right or wrong way? Talking with Stormy has been helpful in dealing with this, too. She is such a strong little girl. I say little girl, she is 15, but to be losing a parent, she is a little girl. Some of the things we have talked about seem to personal to write about here. We are planning to have a sleepover at my mom's house when I come home so we can laugh and cry together as we share some of our favorite memories. There are just so many.

Although Cindy had ovarian cancer and we knew this was coming, it didn't make it any easier to lose her. I said yesterday that a part of my soul left this earth with her, and I absolutely meant it. But at the same time, she will forever be alive in my heart.

Tonight, some salad, wine, a funny movie and a meowing Simon will comfort me. One day at a time.

xoxo-

T

blank

A piece of my soul left this earth today. And I am feeling it. There is an emptiness in my being that will never be full again. I don't know what else to say.

You know what...

Maybe I'd better just keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself tonight.
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fist pump!

Yesterday, I watched three episodes of Jersey Shore. Holy cow! Are these people for real? Snooki and JWOWW are my favorites. Sometimes I wish we had cable. But if having cable means I regularly watch trash tv, maybe it's better that we don't!

I have been thinking a lot about massage school recently. Like moving, I go back and forth about my decision all the time. Here is what I do know: I definitely want to do this. I am ready to do this. And here is what I don't know: Do I really want to put myself into any more debt? I am finally in a place where things are starting to get paid off. Maybe I'd better just wait. I am 24. I have time, God willing.

I finalized things with Timberline this morning. Everything is good to go and we will be staying two nights and three days. January 24-26. Keith's 30th birthday is on the 26th, so I hope he will be happy with the way we are choosing to spend it. I have been waiting a long time to go to a real ski lodge and spend the night! The closest I came was staying at Al and Diane's house at Wintergreen in Virginia! And that was really fun, but being out west adds a whole new element of excitement for me. I love it out west! I always pictured myself living in San Diego. I still do, at some point. But the funny thing is that I see myself living in Salt Lake City before San Diego now. I can not get over Jaime's pictures! If we moved there, I would definitely take up snowboarding as a regular hobby and start a "yoga for skiers and boarders" class! The only downside I am seeing right now is that Jaime talks about this thing called inversion. Apparently some affect the lake has on the air or something and it makes the air taste really foul when it's super cold? Not sure. Jaime, if you read this, comment! And Dana, you know if I moved there you'd be required to visit! Sandi Call lives there, too. But for now (literally in this moment, because you know how I like to change my mind), I am happy to stay in Oregon for a little while longer. I like that yoga students are starting to know who I am and pass the word around. I like that my car will finally be registered here, and that Keith and I will soon be taking our tests for our Oregon drivers licenses. Not sure I want to deal with all that crap for another state so soon!

I am thinking about taking Jill's class this morning at 10. I guess it depends on if I'm done with my coffee or not by 9:30. Can't let any of that good stuff go to waste! I have the day off today and I am not sure how I will spend it! Yoga would be a good way to start. Take that back, a great way to start! Then I might swing by DMV and grab a manual to study. Keith has to pass his test by his birthday. I, on the other hand, have until my birthday, but I am telling myself that I have until his birthday so that I don't procrastinate! I am so bad about that.

I taught yoga at Beaverton last night and it went well. I had 40 people. I used to slow down when I saw that people were getting tired, but recently I have not been doing that so much. Even when we get down on the floor, I've been throwing in some core work. Yogi bicycles, crunches, something. I did this fast vinyasa last night. Once slow, holding each pose for a few breaths and giving alignment cues. And then we went through the exact flow twice more on each side, one breath=one movement. Good stuff! We were all sweating. After class, several people came up and asked where else I taught, and one man bowed to me with his hands at anjali mudra (at the heart). That was my favorite. We didn't do anything particularly difficult, we just moved a lot and kept our heart rates up. I think people can appreciate that. I recognized a woman in there who was in my class back in the summer and she requested core work. So last night, we did lots of it. I felt good when I left. I hope they did, too.

Let me share with you what my coffee cup says:

May the sun

bring you new energy by day,

May the moon

softly restore you by night,

May the rain

wash away your worries,

may the breeze

blow new strength into your being.

May you walk

gently through the world and know

its beauty all the days of your life.

-Apache blessing

xoxo-

T

slc

I was just on Jaime's facebook page looking at her photos. Salt Lake City is so beautiful! I go back and forth on whether or not we should move there almost daily. Hopefully, we can at least visit there in the summer and do some major outdoorsy stuff. Hiking, floating down the river with a beer, you know. I am almost certain that I could teach yoga there. If I had to make a decision today I'd say, LET'S GO! But if you look at my blog from a few days ago, I said I wanted to stay in Portland. I wonder if anyone other than my mom even reads these mindless rants of mine?!

random

Can't wait for Sasquatch lineup to be announced next month. I am hoping to go for a day this year, so hopefully all the good bands will be on the same day! Nothing could ever top last year though. Nothing. Not even Britney Spears.

This morning Simon puked on the floor. I tried to clean it up, but Keith ended up having to do it. I can't like kitty vomit!

Keith is filming some scenes for The Corners today.

I am drinking coffee.

I found a pair of discontinued Earth shoes in Nordstrom Rack last night that I've been ogling on e-bay. They were $59.90. I didn't buy them. Good girl.

I am wearing Pearberry lotion from Bath and Body Works. I got it for three bucks a couple weeks ago. Reminds me of early high school days!

Timberline is two weeks away. Can't wait! Thinking I should buy chains for my whip before we go?

I love Simon. He is squishy and sweet.

This blog is all over the place. Much like my mind.

I've been obsessively shopping at Trader Joe's for all of my groceries recently. Good, organic food for cheap. I've heard that some people refer to Whole Foods as 'Whole Paycheck'. I believe it.

Keith needs a new phone. His is hanging on by a thread.

Ina is going to teach me to do my own taxes this year.

I am going to an open house kind of thing at The Oregon School of Massage this month. Hoping to start in June. We'll see.

My nails are chipped and need to be repainted. I wish I had Ina's "Hot for Chocolate" nail polish. Maybe I will just buy some. I am tired of Black Platinum for now.

I'm done.

xoxo-

T

Today...

I bought my brother a birthday card. I taught yoga with my pants on inside out. I ate lots of spinach. My sister in law made me smile. I watched erin brockovich. I worked for 8 hours. I drank two cups of coffee. I burned a gingerbread candle. I put all of my paperwork for getting my Oregon plates in the mail. I chipped my black nail polish.
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breakfast

whole wheat bagel + cream cheese + pumpkin butter + coffee = happy girl

Montana Mountain Men

I run into (and talk to) the damnedest people!

Happy 2010!

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve! I sure did. Melanie (from work, and also from Virginia!) and I went to Keith's bar and it was lots of fun. I'll spare you the details. This year is going to be a big one for me. First of all, I don't know where I am going to be. Literally. Will we stay in Portland? Will we move to Salt Lake City? Will we move to California? Who knows? This morning, I am inclined to say we will stay in Portland for a while longer. But ask me again this afternoon and that could easily change. We are looking forward to our stay at Timberline Lodge later this month. After that, the next big thing will probably be my 12 day trip to Virginia. And from there, I just don't know. Trips to Salt Lake City, San Diego and Hawaii are high on my list of things to do. I also have really been contemplating massage therapy school. I think it would be a great complement to my blossoming yoga career. I also think it would help make me a better teacher. If I was debt free, I would already be signed up. But I need to look into it a bit more before I can make it a definite. Also, I need to think about going to school in a state where I plan to live for a while, because moving out of state would cause me to lose my license. Not sure if I'd have to go through all of the school again or just pass an expensive test, but the certification isn't national like my yoga one is. I'd love to specialize in, let's say, a 30 minute private yoga session followed by a 30 minute massage (or 45, or 60, or whatever). What a beautiful and perfect little life I would have doing that! I do know that retail is not my thing. I do believe that I am great at it, but it's not what I want to do. I have a much greater potential, and I realize that. I have a much more specialized potential. I feel pretty blessed to know what I want to do with my life, I just have to find a way to make it happen. And let's be honest, I will find a way. 2009 has taught me this: Where there is a will, there is a way.