leap of faith

The truth is that my life has been founded on leap of faith after leap of faith. Once I let go of the attachment to my "safety net" things got wild. Until I was about 21, I lived a pretty by-the-book type of life. I had big dreams, I always did, but I never had the courage to let them be anything other than just dreams.

At 21, I decided college was not for me. I had been working toward an associates degree in who knows what, so I decided to finally throw in the towel. I thought if I wasn't going to finish college I should at least get a "real job" so I left my restaurant job (which I loved by the way) and got some shitty job at some shitty office. I was treated poorly so I left. Even at that age, I knew I deserved better. I then went to work a lovely job in a lovely office with lovely people. Benefits, decent salary, maybe a little room for growth. It was safe. It was so safe. I wore black or grey slacks to work with stilettos and a cute top every day. I faxed things and filed papers and took home my comfortable paycheck but was not quite fulfilled. I wondered if this was it. I reached a point where I thought, well I have this job and it's secure so I need to just stick with it... forever.

At 22 I decided I wanted to teach yoga. I had been a dedicated student for a few years and my curiosity finally got the best of me. I didn't have the money to pay for teacher training so I said, fuck it. I'm getting a credit card and putting the whole thing on there. And so I did. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what my plan was. At this time I was still living in Richmond, VA, the yoga community was small and I really just didn't have any sort of plan as to what I would do when I finished my training aside from share my passion with people. I traveled to different cities on the weekends to complete all of my modules and finished in December of 2008. That puts me a little too far forward, so let me back up for a moment.

I had been dating a guy for a while. How sad must I have been to think this at the tender age of 22, but I had gotten it in my head that I was 22, had a good job and this was just my life. I thought I was going to end up with this guy because I could do no better. He was a great guy, had a great job, very safe, just not for me. We broke up and I felt lost. Not because I was particularly distraught over him, but because I thought I was going to have to start over or something. How stupid to think that at 22. But I had never really been single. And my mom and brother had both gotten into relationships had kids by my age. I just remember feeling so lost and confused.

I had never stopped thinking about Keith the whole time I was dating other guy. I have a clear memory of sitting in my apartment on Riverside Drive with my cousin Tonya. I told her I had been thinking about contacting Keith and she encouraged me. I knew he lived 3,000 miles away in Portland, but I didn't know anything else about him. I sent him a brief email from work soon after. This would be the beginning of my seriously giant leaps of faith. To make a really long story much more condensed, we started talking on the phone and decided that I would move here before I even came to visit, unless I hated it. I knew in my bones I was going to move and that nothing was going to stop me. Flickers of my old "safe" self came into my head several times. I had just bought a brand new car, how would I pay for it? What about health insurance? What would I do for work? But all of my friends and family are right here in one place... I had a million things going through my head. Then I just stopped. I said to myself, you'll move in with your parents for a month or two, save a couple thousand dollars, put in your notice at work, pack your shit, drive to Oregon, teach yoga and figure the rest out eventually. And so I did.

I had a rough first couple of years here. I made no money. I taught yoga practically for free and killed myself doing it. I worked at the Gap and sold shoes, sometimes in the same day after I taught a 5:45 am yoga class. This life was not as glamorous as I had pictured. I came to a point where I decided I'd try to teach full time. I quit both of my retail jobs and taught 15 times a week, only to bring home enough money to eat spaghetti every day, but I was doing it. I was determined to make it work if it killed me, and sometimes it nearly did. There was a point when I was getting sick all the time. I was exhausted. Sleeping anytime I could and losing my personal practice completely.

In strolls my friend Melissa who convinced me to go to a yoga conference in Pendleton, Oregon with her friend Jenny. I shared a room with them, and before the end of the conference Melissa had to rush back to Texas due to an emergency with one of her boys. It was just Jen and me. We didn't know each other. She and I drove four hours back to Portland together the next day and by the time we made it back to my apartment I was going to San Diego with her to help with a special yoga related project called One Yoga USA. Just like that. A month later I was in San Diego floating around like a fucking tumbleweed. I met the author of an inspiring book I'd just read. She offered me a scholarship to move to La Jolla and do her teacher training for free. Just like that. I met a Buddhist monk in Garden Grove who asked me so many questions I wanted to pull my own hair out but I left him feeling challenged, yet at peace. I went to Los Angeles and met my friend Hemalayaa who said she wanted an assistant. Jen told her I was great. And just like that, I was Hema's assistant. I got drunk at Cafe Gratitude that night and felt so liberated. It was one of the greatest nights in my history, floating all around Southern California with people I barely even knew. On the drive back from LA to San Diego I cried and cried. I didn't want to go back to Oregon. I seriously contemplated moving to La Jolla on my own, even though I was happily married. I talked about it with Keith. I was serious. In the end I obviously decided against it due to my torn knee and lack of means to get it fixed. I do wonder what would have happened had I gone.

The first six months of the following year were crazy. A couple months after that trip I found myself back in Los Angeles for 8 days working with Hema. I was enthralled. LA is magical. By this point the work I was doing with Jenny was really nonexistent, although I was set to go to Texas to help her with TYC. Hema had a big dream and I was helping her make it a reality, along with Jason. The three of us worked together all the time. I mean all the time. We put together an event and in May of that year I found myself back in California, this time Manhattan Beach for 10 days. It was several months of some serious hard work and to watch it come to fruition was pretty unreal. I have not been back to Southern California since.

Let me back up yet again. I'm really starting to think I could write a book about this...

My torn knee was the result of a quite literal leap of faith. I jumped 67 feet off a bridge into cold water below. I tore my meniscus. I thought I was facing my fears, then I thought I had screwed myself, then I realized it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I had been emailing Tiffany Cruikshank, a local teacher and acupuncturist whom I admired, about what I could maybe do to make it better. In the midst of those emails I saw she was looking for an assistant. Because I had recently been helping Hema and Jenny, I told her I was an assistant and loved it, then I wished her luck in her quest for the perfect person. She picked me. And here begins another adventure.

I got on a Texas bound plane in March of that year for the TYC. It wasn't great, but I connected with lots of people. Another traveling teacher there found out I was working with Hema and Tiffany and asked me to be his assistant too. I realized quickly that I didn't like where this was going. People were starting to think I was an agent of sorts and I didn't want to make that name for myself. Eventually I broke it off with him and Hema and I just stopped working together after the big event in Manhattan Beach. We were both just drained, however we have remained good friends ever since. I love her and in many ways, she changed my life. Jenny too.

Recently I came to a fork in the road. I was given a very clear choice: exit the ride, or continue on this wild adventure. Guess what I chose.

I've come so far. And have so far to go. My life has truly been pretty wild so far. All because I let go.

I could go on and on and on about this. I do wonder how I would go about writing a book and if anyone would give a shit to read it?

I'm not going to proofread this. It's real. Genuine. Authentic. A collection of my thoughts on a Saturday night.