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I do not feel like myself. I really do feel like a part of me is missing. I feel antisocial. I feel alone, even though I know I'm not. I feel somber and want to keep myself isolated from others. Thursday night I fell asleep at 2 in the morning and had to be up at 5 to teach yoga. I felt horrible. I spent hours in bed just screaming. I keep pictures of us that she sent me on my birthday next to my bed and looking at them brought on a tremendous breakdown. It felt good to scream and be angry, but at the same time I felt so desperate and helpless. Nothing can bring her back. I was so tired while teaching that my eyes were burning and my vision was even blurred. Somehow, I was able to pull it together and we had a nice class. My morning class is growing in size, so the last thing I want to do is let them down. After class I went to the DMV and passed my test for my Oregon drivers license (only a year after moving here), so that was a perk. I'd spent the last three days studying for it. Afterward, I came home and slept for a couple hours and then did some housework. Speaking of housework, in a way I feel like that's sort of been keeping me sane. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and it's been oddly therapeutic for me. I guess that's because since everything else seems to be in shambles right now, at least I am able to keep my home straight. Talking to Stormy a lot has also been a help. I hope it is as comforting for her as it has been for me. I can't wait to get back to Virginia so I can wrap my arms around her. I have always called her my cousin, but recently she has felt more like my sister. I'm hoping she can come stay with me in Portland for a bit in the summer.

Keith and I are going to Timberline tomorrow for two nights. I had been looking forward to it for about a month, so I am hoping that I will be able to find some peace and joy once I am there. I know that nothing will bring Cindy back and nothing but time will heal my pain, but I am hoping that being out of the city and cruising/tumbling down the mountain will at least do something good for me. I've just been so sad, and I feel like it gets worse each day. I am trying to be patient with myself, but I am really wondering when or if it will ever get better?