missing cindy

I hope I can fall asleep tonight and stay asleep. Last night I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep until 5:30. Then Simon woke me up at 8, which is 30 minutes before I wanted to wake up. I was going to let myself sleep in a little. So much for that. On top of being up for three hours in the middle of the night, I was crying my soul out because I miss Cindy so much. I am flying back to Virginia for 12 days in a week and she won't be there. I'm curious to know how I will react to that, but judging by my recent emotions, it could be poorly. Yes, I know that I am lucky to have had her in my life. I know that I am lucky to have so many wonderful memories of her that make me laugh and smile. But the fact is that she was too young too die, and she left behind a 15 year old daughter and, well, me. I'm so pissed at the situation. Knowing what a tough woman she was, I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her illness would take her life. I kept telling myself that she'd pull through and be one of the few to survive it, or at the very least one of the ones who made it 5 years or more. I had hoped that she would see Stormy graduate high school, and me get married. So I think the nearer my trip gets, the more anxiety I feel. Each day that passes, I am a day closer to having to face her death in a way that I haven't had to do yet. Maybe it will be good for me to face it, but it will still be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I am looking forward to hopefully sleeping in a little bit tomorrow morning, and teaching again at Tualatin at noon. I hope the morning and afternoon will be clear so I can catch a glimpse of Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helens on my way to class. My favorite view of Mt. Hood is right when you're coming around the corner about to get on the 5, just after the Ross Island Bridge exit. It's amazing and never fails to force me to be in the present moment and enjoy those few moments when I can take in its beauty.

I'm out of coffee and so is Trader Joe's. Am I potentially setting myself up for a horrendous day tomorrow?