pretty

Whiny McWhinerson Alert.

I have been bummed recently because I never feel pretty anymore. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel pretty, and it's been a long time since I have. As delightful as it is to spend my days sharing yoga with others, I never wear "real" clothes anymore. And when I do, I just throw something on with little to no effort. My flat iron broke a few weeks ago, and as much as I am trying to embrace my less-than-perfect natural hair, it's been difficult for me. I'm also tired of my makeup bag. I have two shades of blush- one was given to me by my drunken lunatic of a neighbor back when I was living on Monument (at least four years ago), and the other is even older than that. I replace my mascara like once a year, I wear tinted moisturizer that is a shade too dark because Target was sold out of 'light', and I purchased eyeliner a few weeks ago thinking maybe I would wear it every now and again to change my look a bit, but I haven't even opened it yet. Because why bother? It's Portland. That's what I keep saying to myself. It's Portland! You can get away with anything here, and people don't care. The more casual, the better. Yesterday I popped into Sequel between classes to say hello to Rita and check out what she had, and I found a pair of off-white Dansko sandals in my size for $19. They were so comfortable and had a cute little ankle strap and were practically new, even though they were actually at least five years old. They were a little bit 'old lady', because let's face it- most Danskos are, so I decided against them because I already have one pair of old lady Dansko sandals that I love and I don't need two. My entire wardrobe, even down to my boring nude colored bras, is purely about comfort. Every top I own is cotton and casual, I haven't purchased new jeans in well over a year, except for the frumpy pair of 'boyfriend trousers' I bought at the Gap 10 months ago. I haven't changed the part in my hair since Jarod made me change it 6 years ago, and I haven't highlighted it since February 2009 (I thought natural was more age appropriate? Not to mention cheaper.). I tried on a $6 cotton coral colored skirt yesterday and couldn't buy it because all I could see were my pasty white legs. I am so down on my look, if you haven't gathered that already. A few days ago I decided to spend $20 of my hard earned yoga money on a pedicure. Because I'm worth it and only indulge like that maybe twice a year. I chose a red hue. It made me feel sexy. I feel like I am one of not-so-many people who can actually justify a pedicure since I do my job barefoot and my piggies are always on display. Even in the winter. I wish I felt like blowing that money once a month. I used to, several summers ago when I was in my early 20s (which seems like a decade ago, when in reality it was more like 4 years- nothing in the grand scheme of things). I also used to get those horrible acrylic nails. Although I kept them very short and round, quite natural looking for something so artificial, it still did a number on my nails and I will never do it again. I also used to make regular visits to Salon Vande to get my eyebrows waxed and have Jarod cut and color my hair. I used to think I was like my Nana, who was always very well put together and took great care of herself. She always looked beautiful. She wasn't superficial, in fact she was one of the sweetest people I've ever known, but she just had a knack for lookin' good. Always donning the right jewelry, shoes, handbag and blouse- she was just always pretty. Had her hair done, her nails, everything. I miss her. I could use her guidance right about now.

I should also mention that while I am having issues with my look, they aren't body-image related. Wouldn't that be a terrible double-whammy? I never feel pretty because I spend all of my time in yoga or gym clothes, and I'm still not happy with my body? Yikes! Of course there are little things here and there that I'd like to be a little different, but overall I have finally discovered a healthy body image. For one, I am healthy (regularly practicing yoga, doing cardio, and nourishing my body with good food), but more than anything I think it has to do with getting older, and with that comes more comfort in my own skin. Acceptance. A happy feeling. Ironically, when I used to have all these beauty rituals (tanning, hair, nails, etc), that's when I had body issues. But then again, I'd like to meet a 20 year old woman who doesn't.

I love looking at my pictures from Vegas for so many reasons. One, I remember how happy I was being surrounded by my closest friends. Two, I was getting MARRIED! And three- I felt so pretty! When you're in Vegas, you can really do it up. Sky high heels, tiny little mini dress, and all the makeup you want. If I dressed like that in Portland, I would feel so out of place. And I would be out of place! I had a super long day yesterday, I taught five classes at five different places and I was so wiped when I got home. I decided to take a hot shower, slather myself with lavender oil and hit the sack. While I was in the shower, I found myself wondering what would my life be like if I had moved to San Diego instead of Portland? If you know me at all, you know that I've wanted to live in San Diego every since I first visited there at 18. Would my hair be really blonde? And would my wardrobe alternate between bikinis and sundresses? Would I feel pretty on the outside but still be working on the inside? Then my focus changed- would I be teaching yoga? Would I be a snowboarder? Would I have the same kind of down to earth friends who are into things like gardening, morning coffee dates and art?

I have been in a deep state of reflection recently. I don't know why. I wrote this because I needed to let it out. Not because I need someone to go, "but you are pretty!". This is my blog. These are my thoughts.

Publish post.