ashtanga day two

I went to Mysore again this morning. I set my alarm for 5:40am, and was please to wake naturally at 5:30. I love when this happens. I seem to have this internal alarm clock that allows me to wake up a few minutes before my alarm goes off. My day is always better when I can wake up naturally, even if it's early, as opposed to the abrasive sound of an alarm. Even though my alarm sounds like birds, I still find it a harsh way to start the day.

I picked my clothes out and laid them by the door last night so all I had to do this morning was wash my face, brush my teeth and get dressed. I was at Yoga Pearl by 5:50 and had already started my practice by 6. Today was harder than Monday and I was mentally taking a beating. I had a hard time getting through my sun salutations because of my weak and popping shoulders, and for some reason I was refusing to relax my neck in down dog, something I regularly correct in my classes. It seems that nothing goes unnoticed by Jason (the teacher), because I heard "Tami, relax your neck" at least three times from various places in the room. Jason is a fantastic teacher and pays close attention to detail. However, on a day where I was already feeling a little mentally week, I was wishing some things could slip under the radar. I asked him about the popping in my shoulders. He looked at me in chaturanga and suggested that I not lower down as much, and when that didn't feel better he said I could skip it. I hate not being able to do things. Part of the problem today was that I pushed myself so much on Monday that I was really sore today, so the weakness in my shoulders was amplified. I think it took me about 30 minutes to make it through 10 sun salutations (5 A, 5 B). I already felt defeated and I hadn't even really started. I got so lightheaded that I had to drop to my mat not once but several times throughout my practice, and I was feeling impatient for not having memorized the sequence. I had a lot going on in my head this morning. After a little over an hour of practice, Jason told me I was done and I could move to the wall. I was so relieved.

This practice is hard. I'm finding that it's stirring things up for me and it, at least for now, is requiring more mental strength than physical. Don't get me wrong, it requires physical strength too, but the mental strength you have to have in order to endure the physical is great. Part of me wanted to cry this morning and another part of me wanted to leave. I didn't do either, but I found myself asking "Why am I here?". Like Monday, I wondered if I will ever be strong enough to endure this practice? Will I ever complete the Primary Series? And more questions of that nature...

I didn't feel as energized this morning after class as I did on Monday. I'm not sure if it was because I was tired, the sky was grey, or what. But I do know that I plan to continue. We'll see what Friday brings...